Thank You, I Don't Give a Shit

It’s your birthday so I figured you need some melodramatic shit on your special day. What more sentimental way to do it than by listing the things I’m grateful about our friendship. Here it goes:

Thank you for the years. Definitely the past few have been the highlight of our friendship, but I cannot discount the times in the past when we would talk about Nep and your other love interests nonstop, organize the Christmas party for our school. hangout in the park and pretend we’re giving out surveys, wolf down tapsilogs and merienda in some cheap restaurant, meet a foreigner and talk with him about religion in the Middle East, Because those little moments piled up to become what we already have now.

Thank you for choosing the teaching profession. For you have proven me it is possible to love your career. Left and right, I see batchmates and friends rant about their jobs. You are the complete opposite. Despite the scanty allowance at the moment, you exhibit the most satisfaction.

Thank you for making me laugh. Your humor, be it clean or green, is sure to make someone smile, including myself. Although majority is too stale to gather favourable response, your effort to pull through a corny joke is commendable. HAHAHA

Thank you for maintaining your figure. For when I’m next to you, I look really slim. HAHAHAHA! Sorry just had to.

Thank you for having a pretty face. For during these times and many times in the past, when I don’t have anyone to flirt with, you’re always my default go-to guy. Thank you for not filing cases against my sexual harassment attempts at you. Thank you for letting me. Please continue on wearing those shorts with flimsy fabric. It makes it easier for me to find the bulge. Take note, one day, I will go all the way. You have been warned.

Thank you for the long conversations. For silence rarely existed between us. An adage says True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable. But for us, silence really is inessential. For we can talk about a lot of things and never get bored. I can go on and on with my sick sexcapades and crush encounter tales and you can besiege me with philosophy, religion, and porn, and in the end be hungry for more stories.

Thank you for caring. Because as brazen as your twitter handle may be, you actually do give a shit.

That’s all. I love you. Happy birthday! I will see you tomorrow. *kiss kiss*

Gloooomy

I am in that time of my life again when I feel sad (depressed might be too strong a word) over no reason. I don't know, maybe it's the small things piling up that is affecting my mood the past few weeks.

There's my dissastisfying work, where I feel every hour spent is every hour wasted. Add to that my beyond annoying moody to hell officemate.

Then my friends. Who aren't really living up to the standards to how friends should be. Like lately, when I chose not to go elsewhere for them but ended up me being at home the whole Friday night, waiting for them to message me about our whatabouts for that night.

Then my fitness trainer who just doesn't show up at our gym sessions. I'm taking my weight loss program so seriously and I hope people will also start doing so.

Don't get me started with this song currently playing on my playlist. Really? Heal (the OST for If Stay) while I'm using the treadmill?

I've been a no show at the blogosphere for a few months now and it's disappointing my comeback is a sad post. I've had an explosive 2014 yet I haven't had the time to share it. Instead I chose to write about this fucking feeling that has been haunting me and showing upI am in that time of my life again when I feel sad (depressed might be too strong a word) over no reason. I don't know, maybe it's the small things piling up that is affecting my mood these past few weeks.

There's my dissastisfying work, where I feel every hour spent is every hour wasted. Add to that my beyond annoying moody to hell officemate.

Then my friends. Who aren't really living up to the standards to how friends should be. Like lately, when I chose not to go elsewhere for them but ended up me being at home the whole Friday night, waiting for them to message me about our whatabouts for that night.

Then my fitness trainer who just doesn't show up at our gym sessions. I'm taking my weight loss program so seriously and I hope people will also start doing so.

Don't get me started with this song currently playing on my playlist. Really? Heal (the OST for If Stay) while I'm using the threadmill?

I've been a no show at the blogosphere for a few months now and it's disappointing my comeback is a sad post. I've had an explosive 2014 yet I haven't had the time to share it. Instead I chose to write about this feeling that has been haunting me and showing up randomly in the course of my adult life.

ConsideriI am in that time of my life again when I feel sad (depressed might be too strong a word) over no reason. I don't know, maybe it's the small things piling up that is affecting my mood these past few weeks.

There's my dissastisfying work, where I feel every hour spent is every hour wasted. Add to that my beyond annoying moody to hell officemate.

Then my friends. Who aren't really living up to the standards to how friends should be. Like lately, when I chose not to go elsewhere for them but ended up me being at home the whole Friday night, waiting for them to message me about our whatabouts for that night.

Then my fitness trainer who just doesn't show up at our gym sessions. I'm taking my weight loss program so seriously and I hope people will also start doing so.

Don't get me started with this song currently playing on my playlist. Really? Heal (the OST for If Stay) while I'm using the threadmill?

I've been a no show at the blogosphere for a few months now and it's disappointing my comeback is a sad post. I've had an explosive 2014 yet I haven't had the time to share it. Instead I chose to write about this fucking feeling that has been haunting me and showing up randomly in the course of my adult life.

Funny I began my post with saying I'm getting sad for no reason.

:(

Unemployed Day # 13

Good news: I was able to get all job requirements in two days.

Bad news: Because of fixers. :( Not proud.

Unemployed Day # 11

After several considerations, I finally decided to accept the job offer. I'm officially employed now! :D

Unemployed Day # 6

Got my first job offer! Yay!

Paalam

Dahil sa pagsapit ng Marso,

sabay ang paglipas ko sa paningin mo,

lalaglag ang pula kung saan tayo’y pinagtagpo

This is Goodbye

Tomorrow, everything will be different. You will go on with your life while I will continue to mourn over your departure.

I'll miss you. 

:(

It pains me to know that the organization and the upcoming elections are the only things that are keeping us together. I checked the history of our message exchanges and it hurts to see that all we ever talk about is the alliance and the campaign. Am I worth that little to you?

When March begins, would you be as concerned to me as you have been in the past months?

It pains me to know you need me to win while I need you to survive.

It pains me that I love you.

Still Longing

Earlier I told Marlon I’m resigning from my position. He replied, “Wala ba kong power na pigilan ‘yang plano mo?”

If you only know, you have every power over me, everything you say I’ll do. I hope I can tell this to you but I’m afraid of the consequences. 

No More

I’d like to think I’ve learned from what happened in highschool. That’s why I decided to resign from my post. Every moment with him makes me love him even more and my situation gets harder every day athe only resolution I could think of is to stop seeing him. I hope I made the right choice. I don’t want my college life to end with hurt. 

Again again again!

History repeats itself, and so it did.

“I’m letting myself fall for him because I know this will all end soon. Three months to go and I’m out of college.” I told my friend, casually, like doing so is as easy as accepting I failed my midterms. In actuality, I fear leaving him, more than I dread getting into the real world.

I’ve always been someone who does not expect much. With my record of getting nothing that I want, it’s effortless to dismiss the idea of triumph. This time I did the same, and everything was falling well into its place... until I fell for him even more.

“Three months is still three months,” she said in as sympathetic a tone she could muster, “it will be the hardest three months of your college life.”

Now I’m getting it. Love is not like any rejections I’ve received in the past. Because when you start completely acknowledging that it will always be unrequited, you stop loving. As another friend said, “In real life, love has to be possible. Even if it is not returned right away, love can only survive when the hope exists that you will be able to win over the person you desire.” No matter how much you attempt to, there is always that diminutive portion in you that hopes, and will continue to.

“What’s funny is I’ve been in this same position five years ago, you know, the love of my life falling for a bestfriend.”

How happy and hurt at the same time I was, all I could do was smile at the idea of the universes conspiring against me. I mean, how unlucky can I get? Falling for a straight guy twice, them falling in love with my bestfriends. Surely lightning strikes at the same place twice.

“Talaga? Graduating ka din nu’n?” was her reply.

And then I realized! Yes, it was also during my last year in highschool when I fell in love. And that’s why three months, I thought, would be no big feat. Not seeing him is sad while a day with him is hell (seeing someone you know can never be yours).

----

I love you, Marlon.

Part 1

For A Change, It’s Not Me Who Said, “I’m Gay”

What shocks me up to this very moment is what one of my closest friends in college confessed to me. Over the months, I’ve gotten used to out-ing myself to a few people close to me. But it’s a lot different feeling when it’s the other way around. My orgmate and I were out having dinner when he opened up again having to tell me something. He was actually dropping hints the whole day, “I have to tell you something. But I doubt you’d be able to keep it to yourself.” And so he never really finished saying anything. I didn’t push the topic. Then in the middle of our meals, there it went. He didn’t tell me exactly, I’m guessing he’s still too shy to use the word, like how I used to be last February.

The revelation did not stop there, however. His mother already knew. I was surprised and kind of envious since I already dismissed the idea of me telling my parents I’m gay anytime soon. I was too proud of him, though, when I realized what he has just shared. Such a young guy already having that courage I don’t have.

To put cherry on top and to conclude our dinner, he said he is seeing someone right now. My jaw dropped. He resumed with their meet-ups, sweet nothings, and just everything that I have not been able to do in the course of my “being out”.

 I am truly happy for him. I welcome him to the word of flamboyance and freedom.

How I Spent My Sembreak

50% Friends

5% Sleep

5% Baguio, Zambales

5% The Voice

15% Grey’s Anatomy

5% Gone Girl, The Geography Club 1 & 2, countless eroticas :p

5% Candy Crush

5% Org tasks

Sembreak Update

My last sembreak as an undergraduate student began yesterday. Seeing my thesis proposal got stamped with the time and date of submission, all I could think of was finishing the third season of The Walking Dead and the books I'll be able to read in my around three-week vacation.

Currently I was able to mark off the things I planned. Already in the 10th episode of TWD. Finished Jeffery Self's 50 Shades of Gay (don't judge!). Halfway through Brent Hartunger's Geography Club.

I'm in Olongapo right now, stopping over before we go to Baguio tomorrow. Can't wait. It has been 5 years since I last went to the summer capital, probably the longest time I have not been there ever since.

Ron and I met yesterday for a meeting. Sadly, we were with others. :p But that did not stop me from flirting with him. Pero chos lang. :)

Cheers to a fun sembreak! :D

Mixed Feels

After a long delay I was able to watch UP Repertory Company's LEAN: THE MUSICAL earlier!
The lead cast Mr. Alub is so cute :'( could not contain myself earlier. Stalked him already and found out he's in a relationship. :p

But wait! There's more! After a week of not seeing each other, Ron (will call him this from now on :3) and I finally reunited before the play started. He hugged me and told me he missed me. FUCK how can you not fall for a guy like that?

Midnight Owl

So I found this really cool cozy place in Maginhawa called Midnight Owl, thanks to my equally unproductive-in-own-house friend. I was on my way home from Shaw when I realized the submission for my thesis proposal is only two weeks away and I’ve only started a few revisions. It has been two weeks since my thesis defense and I believe I was only able to do 5% of everything that was advised to me by the panelists.

Back to the study hub, the atmosphere is so relaxing I’m thinking of abandoning my house. The wall colors and lightings are soothing to the eyes, actually everything inside the place. There’s this huge blackboard with the menu and the counter has all these mini blackboard-like notes and cute objects like the tip jar, wake-up forms and free notepad.

When ordering, you have to click the buzz button and suddenly some accommodating girl will appear from the door behind. The menu ranges from teas to shakes to breakfast meals and sandwiches. And with this kind of place, the prices are pretty cheap. Milk teas for around P80, shakes around P60, breakfast meals for P89, and. P80 sandwiches. The most expensive I can see now is their roast beef with mashed potatoes for the price of P179.

Right now, I just ordered banana shake and fries for an economical P108. I won’t discuss the taste since I don’t think it’s their specialty but I must say they are decent.

The playlist is as soothing; right now, it's Coldplay's The Scientist that's playing. 

The other people here are likewise cooperative minimal talking and movements lol. And there's this cute guy at my right. Well I'm not sure if he's cute or it's just because he's the only guy here aside from myself, if you consider me one.

This is getting too long! I need to do finish my drink and resume my thesis. Bye!

Falling in Love After A Long Time

You were fresh out of elementary when you met him, already wearing that smile and smell you could never forget. You could have evaded the feeling if only fate hasn’t messed all things up again. Months later you see yourself with him in the canteen kubo, with four more boys, starting to build relationships, some of which will eventually last until now. You were with him during lunchbreaks, weekend bonding with the barkada, and afterschool gimmicks. You were there when they left him, when it was only you who could understand. No malice, no hopes, just pure and true concern for a friend.

Boys will be boys, and so you acted the stereotypes. You met a girl and thought it was love. In your heart, you wished it was true. So you would never have to explain, so you would never have to lie. But you cannot fool love, and so it never came. And you were back to him, happy.

 Years after, like many great friendships, it turned into love, unknown to him, unrequited in your part. How ironic the moment that followed was: he confessing his love, not to you, but to someone else. Rubbing salt into the wound, it was your bestfriend. And you could not contain it. You cried  and people around thought it was the unreciprocated romantic love from your bestfriend. That’s what you told them, anyway, that you fell for her. Another pretension, another sidetracking.

And then it was gone, unknown to you why. The unparalleled friendship between you and him. Not the love, though, not when it was just starting to escalate. It was worse. Years of togetherness, now all you could do was stare. Good thing the universe sided with you finally that time. It was your last year in high school. And you were off to running away.

Romantic love was absent in the first years of college. Getting into the university, you could not dare think of it. You were too occupied with academics and organization works. But sometimes you just cannot stop thinking of a future with someone, especially seeing those around you. You were satisfied, nevertheless.

A year before graduation, you decided to run for student office. You met new friends and then it just happened. You came out of the closet. Expressing yourself was much easier. The movements were not calculated anymore, the language now negligible. Your college friends noticed how happy and freer you have become. You are already able to share more, crushes, kilig moments, booooooooys.

And then this guy. You have known him for a long time already but it was just recently when the feelings came rushing. You flirted with him, jokingly. You were always the clown so it was harmless. Even the people around did not see malice, they thought it was just another of your comic acts.

Trouble commenced when jokes began becoming truths, truths into longing, and longing to dreaming. Even if you know you have no chance on a straight goodlooking smart guy. Yes, you are falling in love again.

Ganda ko. He was the one hugging. :3

I Love You Because...

I love your confidence.

I love how you’re not bothered at what others say about you: that you’re too proud, or too snobbish.

I love how self-assurance oozes out of you.

I love your intelligence.

I love how you’re both street- and booksmart.

I love it when you deliver speech and leave everyone listening.

I love your laugh.

I love hearing your infectious giggle. More so when I’m the reason behind it.

I love it when you let out that unique hahaha. When you make me feel like everything’s alright.

I love your fashion.

I love how you don’t care about how you look.

I love it when your polo matches your topsiders as much as when your rubber shoes don’t fit your pants.

I love it when you look casual, average, or sleek.

I love your body.

I loved it the first time I saw it. I still do until now.

I love how it has no bulges of muscles and no trace of fat.

I love how you don’t work for your figure yet remain gorgeous. At least for me.

I love your principles.

I love how you wear it and show it to the world, unfazed.

I love your commitment for change.

I love how you fight for them, for us.

I love your photos.

I love your craving for sharing the unseen, the instants of life only you can capture. Those that speak of poverty and struggle, those that converse of bliss and freedom.

I love your taste for subjects, away from the comforts of the conventional, from the dictates of availability.

I love how you hug me at random moments.

I love your arms around me. When for no reason you embrace me from behind and rest your chin on my shoulder.

I love you.

But I hate you for not knowing it.

Week Update

Saturday. We went on a field trip and visited shrines in nearby provinces. While the itinerary was not very memorable, the travel and bus ride were.

Sunday. From the field trip, I went straight to our organization’s induction for applicants. Having barely enough sleep, I gave up and got some nap the last part of the final rites still ongoing. When I woke up, applicants were already members. On our way home, my orgmate treated us breakfast for her nearing birthday. Slept the entire afternoon and started my thesis presentation afterwards. Got so emotional with how unprepared I was and readied myself to fail the defense and have a semester-extension in college.

Monday. With just 2 hours of sleep, I went straight to school to prepare. Fast forward to the result, I was not expecting everything that happened: the panelists’ gentle mood, the minor comments, and  the terror professor’s statement “Your study has a promise”. I swear to God I almost cried in front them hearing I can pursue my topic and be then eligible for graduation next year.

Tuesday. No moment stood out except for the 4-hour travel I had going home to my province caused by the torrential rain, heavy traffic, and jeepney strike. When I finally reached home, I immediately checked my SNS and it was a tweet that made my day, even my week. The guy I was talking about in my previous post told me he loves me. :p Not the romantic type, though. But it’s better than no love from him at all. Hate it when he does things that make me fall for him even more. Hahahaha landith.

Wednesday. I wasn’t able to go to class after I had my occasional lazy bones. I instead went out with my friends and attended church right after.

Robbie Rogers

Life is only complete when your loved ones know you. When they know your true feelings, when they know who and how you love. Life is simple when your secret is gone. Gone is the pain that lurks in the stomach at work, the pain from avoiding questions, and at last the pain from hiding such a deep secret.