For A Change, It’s Not Me Who Said, “I’m Gay”

What shocks me up to this very moment is what one of my closest friends in college confessed to me. Over the months, I’ve gotten used to out-ing myself to a few people close to me. But it’s a lot different feeling when it’s the other way around. My orgmate and I were out having dinner when he opened up again having to tell me something. He was actually dropping hints the whole day, “I have to tell you something. But I doubt you’d be able to keep it to yourself.” And so he never really finished saying anything. I didn’t push the topic. Then in the middle of our meals, there it went. He didn’t tell me exactly, I’m guessing he’s still too shy to use the word, like how I used to be last February.

The revelation did not stop there, however. His mother already knew. I was surprised and kind of envious since I already dismissed the idea of me telling my parents I’m gay anytime soon. I was too proud of him, though, when I realized what he has just shared. Such a young guy already having that courage I don’t have.

To put cherry on top and to conclude our dinner, he said he is seeing someone right now. My jaw dropped. He resumed with their meet-ups, sweet nothings, and just everything that I have not been able to do in the course of my “being out”.

 I am truly happy for him. I welcome him to the word of flamboyance and freedom.

How I Spent My Sembreak

50% Friends

5% Sleep

5% Baguio, Zambales

5% The Voice

15% Grey’s Anatomy

5% Gone Girl, The Geography Club 1 & 2, countless eroticas :p

5% Candy Crush

5% Org tasks

Sembreak Update

My last sembreak as an undergraduate student began yesterday. Seeing my thesis proposal got stamped with the time and date of submission, all I could think of was finishing the third season of The Walking Dead and the books I'll be able to read in my around three-week vacation.

Currently I was able to mark off the things I planned. Already in the 10th episode of TWD. Finished Jeffery Self's 50 Shades of Gay (don't judge!). Halfway through Brent Hartunger's Geography Club.

I'm in Olongapo right now, stopping over before we go to Baguio tomorrow. Can't wait. It has been 5 years since I last went to the summer capital, probably the longest time I have not been there ever since.

Ron and I met yesterday for a meeting. Sadly, we were with others. :p But that did not stop me from flirting with him. Pero chos lang. :)

Cheers to a fun sembreak! :D

Mixed Feels

After a long delay I was able to watch UP Repertory Company's LEAN: THE MUSICAL earlier!
The lead cast Mr. Alub is so cute :'( could not contain myself earlier. Stalked him already and found out he's in a relationship. :p

But wait! There's more! After a week of not seeing each other, Ron (will call him this from now on :3) and I finally reunited before the play started. He hugged me and told me he missed me. FUCK how can you not fall for a guy like that?

Midnight Owl

So I found this really cool cozy place in Maginhawa called Midnight Owl, thanks to my equally unproductive-in-own-house friend. I was on my way home from Shaw when I realized the submission for my thesis proposal is only two weeks away and I’ve only started a few revisions. It has been two weeks since my thesis defense and I believe I was only able to do 5% of everything that was advised to me by the panelists.

Back to the study hub, the atmosphere is so relaxing I’m thinking of abandoning my house. The wall colors and lightings are soothing to the eyes, actually everything inside the place. There’s this huge blackboard with the menu and the counter has all these mini blackboard-like notes and cute objects like the tip jar, wake-up forms and free notepad.

When ordering, you have to click the buzz button and suddenly some accommodating girl will appear from the door behind. The menu ranges from teas to shakes to breakfast meals and sandwiches. And with this kind of place, the prices are pretty cheap. Milk teas for around P80, shakes around P60, breakfast meals for P89, and. P80 sandwiches. The most expensive I can see now is their roast beef with mashed potatoes for the price of P179.

Right now, I just ordered banana shake and fries for an economical P108. I won’t discuss the taste since I don’t think it’s their specialty but I must say they are decent.

The playlist is as soothing; right now, it's Coldplay's The Scientist that's playing. 

The other people here are likewise cooperative minimal talking and movements lol. And there's this cute guy at my right. Well I'm not sure if he's cute or it's just because he's the only guy here aside from myself, if you consider me one.

This is getting too long! I need to do finish my drink and resume my thesis. Bye!

Falling in Love After A Long Time

You were fresh out of elementary when you met him, already wearing that smile and smell you could never forget. You could have evaded the feeling if only fate hasn’t messed all things up again. Months later you see yourself with him in the canteen kubo, with four more boys, starting to build relationships, some of which will eventually last until now. You were with him during lunchbreaks, weekend bonding with the barkada, and afterschool gimmicks. You were there when they left him, when it was only you who could understand. No malice, no hopes, just pure and true concern for a friend.

Boys will be boys, and so you acted the stereotypes. You met a girl and thought it was love. In your heart, you wished it was true. So you would never have to explain, so you would never have to lie. But you cannot fool love, and so it never came. And you were back to him, happy.

 Years after, like many great friendships, it turned into love, unknown to him, unrequited in your part. How ironic the moment that followed was: he confessing his love, not to you, but to someone else. Rubbing salt into the wound, it was your bestfriend. And you could not contain it. You cried  and people around thought it was the unreciprocated romantic love from your bestfriend. That’s what you told them, anyway, that you fell for her. Another pretension, another sidetracking.

And then it was gone, unknown to you why. The unparalleled friendship between you and him. Not the love, though, not when it was just starting to escalate. It was worse. Years of togetherness, now all you could do was stare. Good thing the universe sided with you finally that time. It was your last year in high school. And you were off to running away.

Romantic love was absent in the first years of college. Getting into the university, you could not dare think of it. You were too occupied with academics and organization works. But sometimes you just cannot stop thinking of a future with someone, especially seeing those around you. You were satisfied, nevertheless.

A year before graduation, you decided to run for student office. You met new friends and then it just happened. You came out of the closet. Expressing yourself was much easier. The movements were not calculated anymore, the language now negligible. Your college friends noticed how happy and freer you have become. You are already able to share more, crushes, kilig moments, booooooooys.

And then this guy. You have known him for a long time already but it was just recently when the feelings came rushing. You flirted with him, jokingly. You were always the clown so it was harmless. Even the people around did not see malice, they thought it was just another of your comic acts.

Trouble commenced when jokes began becoming truths, truths into longing, and longing to dreaming. Even if you know you have no chance on a straight goodlooking smart guy. Yes, you are falling in love again.

Ganda ko. He was the one hugging. :3

I Love You Because...

I love your confidence.

I love how you’re not bothered at what others say about you: that you’re too proud, or too snobbish.

I love how self-assurance oozes out of you.

I love your intelligence.

I love how you’re both street- and booksmart.

I love it when you deliver speech and leave everyone listening.

I love your laugh.

I love hearing your infectious giggle. More so when I’m the reason behind it.

I love it when you let out that unique hahaha. When you make me feel like everything’s alright.

I love your fashion.

I love how you don’t care about how you look.

I love it when your polo matches your topsiders as much as when your rubber shoes don’t fit your pants.

I love it when you look casual, average, or sleek.

I love your body.

I loved it the first time I saw it. I still do until now.

I love how it has no bulges of muscles and no trace of fat.

I love how you don’t work for your figure yet remain gorgeous. At least for me.

I love your principles.

I love how you wear it and show it to the world, unfazed.

I love your commitment for change.

I love how you fight for them, for us.

I love your photos.

I love your craving for sharing the unseen, the instants of life only you can capture. Those that speak of poverty and struggle, those that converse of bliss and freedom.

I love your taste for subjects, away from the comforts of the conventional, from the dictates of availability.

I love how you hug me at random moments.

I love your arms around me. When for no reason you embrace me from behind and rest your chin on my shoulder.

I love you.

But I hate you for not knowing it.

Week Update

Saturday. We went on a field trip and visited shrines in nearby provinces. While the itinerary was not very memorable, the travel and bus ride were.

Sunday. From the field trip, I went straight to our organization’s induction for applicants. Having barely enough sleep, I gave up and got some nap the last part of the final rites still ongoing. When I woke up, applicants were already members. On our way home, my orgmate treated us breakfast for her nearing birthday. Slept the entire afternoon and started my thesis presentation afterwards. Got so emotional with how unprepared I was and readied myself to fail the defense and have a semester-extension in college.

Monday. With just 2 hours of sleep, I went straight to school to prepare. Fast forward to the result, I was not expecting everything that happened: the panelists’ gentle mood, the minor comments, and  the terror professor’s statement “Your study has a promise”. I swear to God I almost cried in front them hearing I can pursue my topic and be then eligible for graduation next year.

Tuesday. No moment stood out except for the 4-hour travel I had going home to my province caused by the torrential rain, heavy traffic, and jeepney strike. When I finally reached home, I immediately checked my SNS and it was a tweet that made my day, even my week. The guy I was talking about in my previous post told me he loves me. :p Not the romantic type, though. But it’s better than no love from him at all. Hate it when he does things that make me fall for him even more. Hahahaha landith.

Wednesday. I wasn’t able to go to class after I had my occasional lazy bones. I instead went out with my friends and attended church right after.

Robbie Rogers

Life is only complete when your loved ones know you. When they know your true feelings, when they know who and how you love. Life is simple when your secret is gone. Gone is the pain that lurks in the stomach at work, the pain from avoiding questions, and at last the pain from hiding such a deep secret.

About Me

The Beginning

A month after the sickly brother died, he was born. Some say he's an aforethought surrogate by the Great Being for the young lad. Maybe. I am truly sorry for the parents, for after the warm-hearted juvenile came the ill-natured spoiled brat who would cause the family a good deal. Perhaps it was the melancholy pit where the conceiving mother plummeted that led to it. Or why blame the mom when it could just be the psychological make-up of the child.

The Product

While the whole nation was busy commemorating the 10th death anniversary of Ninoy Aquino, the clan was celebrating his first natal day.

After nineteen monotonous years, he tried making sense of life and looking for the direction he so long sought for. Failing after a little less than a thousand tries, he put up with just going with the flow since the universe won't grant him anything, anyway.

Along with his personality, his confidence got lost in the woods and are yet to find their way back home. Right now, he continues to hide in the shadows of the established and the brave. He settles for decent and mediocre as frequent as he complains about mankind. He owes his sanity to himself only, resorting to friends, pessimism, self-pity, and another set of friends.

The amount of humor he is gifted with and would like to share to people is inversely proportional to the degree of happiness he contains. Clowns are the saddest, he is the epitome.



At the Moment

He prefers to be called Dane, a pseudonym, of course. Although he already came out to a few friends, he is still in doubt on revealing who he really is to the world, and what hurts the most, to his family.

He considers himself a softcore activist, being a part of the red political party in UP. He recently realized he had lived a lie, that everything his surroundings have imparted to him are just aimed at putting a pretty face to the truly ugly society we are compelled to be a part of.

Looking his age is an issue to him. The collegiate stress has pushed the cells in his body, mostly in his face, to rearrange in such a way that they are neither good nor decent.


Hereafter

A big big blur.

One for each testicle.

There Are Still People Who Understand

When I was in my first year in college, I met a guy who lives up to how an average guy acts: likes girls, talks about sex all the time, and the likes. From being partners and groupmates in the class, over time we became friends. Even after the semester, we continued hanging out.

There was this habit of ours that everytime we’re chatting in Facebook, or hanging out in school, we would always talk about girls. He would link me to other girls and I will do the same to him. There was even this one time when we sat in a corridor and rated, from 1-10, all girls passing by based on how they look. Straight things.

But recently, as I discussed in the previous post, I already came out to some, he wasnt' included in it. Of all people, I thought he'd be the one I'll have difficulty in out-ing myself to. I assumed he thinks I'm straight because of what he's constantly getting me into.

So yesternight, he sent me a private message telling me that he noticed that my FB display pictures are always with a girl. Just like before, he said we're a couple. I denied and reasoned we were just orgmates. But then he continued teasing that it got to the point where I just got guilty of pretending to him something I am not, in fact the opposite.

With all hesitation and courage, I replied, “Since mas hindi nakakahiya dito sa chat, I just want you to know that I’m gay.”

Moments passed and I was anxious of how his reply would be. I already accepted possibilities, that he will stop messaging me, that he will be shocked and blame me for lying, etc. His replies were unexpected, but it made my day, even my week.

I've always known, bro / I've always known >:)< / dapat hinalikan mo na lang ako para astig / and gay people have excellent taste in girls HAHA / dadamayan kita epic friend ako eXD / kala ko bi ka lang eh / but no / apparently you're gay / which is faaaaayn / btw april 2 na / bawal na bumawi

:)

'Di ba? There's still hope for humanity. Haha

Coming Out

I just "came out" to some of my friends last February. It was the campaign season and one of my gay friends out of the blue asked me, in front of our other friends, whether I was straight. With a slight hesitation, "No. I know you've always known, you just needed the confirmation," I said. But it was not the case for a few, one of my closest friends was surprised, she and I were tagged as an item in the past. Few days after, campaign was already over, I decided to reveal this particular secret to my high school friend, the week after, to another. And just last Wednesday, to my co-officers in one of my orgs.

It was the perfect time to come out.
I am already at the right age. I already had the courage to do so. It was the time of my life when boxing myself to whoever I pretend to be just adds to my inherently sad self.
I am with the right people. They understood. Some were shocked, but no one judged me.
I am in UP. Like what I've said to my high school friends, Masaya akong nasa UP ako. Malaya. Mapagpalaya.

Nothing's Going to Be Fine

I am perplexed at how steadfast sadness can be. Just when you thought everything's fine already, here it is, like a water seeping through the tiniest of your soul's crevice, spreading in you with sorrow even you do not know of.

Seesaw

The swings and ironies of emotions again.

One day you lose in the elections but you feel happy because finally you had learned you do not need the position to serve the masses, the next day you are in the birthday party of someone you like but because of some realizations, you end up making excuses and leaving early because you cannot take the blues anymore.

:(

STP

I lost in the student council election, so did majority of my slatemates. The moment our campaign team announced to us the very few who won, all I could remember thinking was blame the students who did not vote for us, who did not see the real picture of what we are striving to put a solution to, to the real condition of not just the college, not just UP, but more importantly, the masa. But I realized it was wrong to do so. It is now my responsibility to prove to people that I, and my whole party, do not need to be in position to serve the studentry and the people. We lost, but we will win the nation.

The only distraction from acads I'm not guilty about is reading. :)

Starting the Year Leisurely

Having an overnight here at Thunderbird Resort in Rizal.

Apologies for BB pics. (BB adj. meaning low resolution)

Top view

Road to hotel

Jacuzzi

Sunset. 

Gubana... Guyana? something like that... Bar

How Did I Start 2013?

BEST HOLIDAY BREAK EVER!

Just moments before 2013, we left the beach and positioned ourselves in the other side of the bay where most of the fireworks in Subic Bay Management Authority (SBMA) were lighted.

DON'T JUDGE ME, okay? Blackberry isn't really
known for high-res cam capacity. -_-

And the festivity of the yearstart isn't done just yet. I'll share how our celebration resumes the day after tomorrow. Bye!

Happy new yr everyone! :>