Little Yearend Update

I’m now in Subic. My family and I will be spending the New Year’s Eve in some beach nearby, with my closest relatives.

It has been three days since I last got in contact with the online world. We’re currently staying in a residence where there is neither internet nor cable television. Well, it won’t be of much use anyway. The moment we arrived here, we already wandered and saw some sights. In fact, I just got home from a carnival in SBMA. It was rather worthwhile though that during the moments that we were not scheduled to go somewhere, I was able to watch movies and read a book that in Manila I could not have possibly done. I won’t be ignorant anymore once people start talking about Jerry Maguire, Johnny English, and Notting Hill; Animal Farm and Fault in Our Stars were also added to my 50-book challenge.

I’m sorry. All of them were lies… except the feelings. L

Spontaneity

Yey! Finally not a post about my rants!

So I just woke up after not sleeping yesternight. Even though I do not celebrate Christmas, I had a merry December 25 (and 26) as I spent these days with my dearest friends.

The 25th of the month not only marked Jesus' birth for the Catholics but also the first birthday of my first ever inaanak. My friends and I's plan was just to expend a part of the day with inaanak in this special event of his. A little after we arrived there I got a bit nettled with some friends who ditched us, who confirmed they'd be going but did not bother to message us and explain why they weren't in the party. I don't want to disappoint my friend; I saw how she prepared for the birthday part of her son. Well, they still attended but arrived three hours later. Few more hours after my girl friends began shouting their OMG's as one of our batchmates who is now residing in Canada suddenly showed up behind the gates. Haha. Then followed the endless party games and catching up.

Approaching midnight, we decided to part ways already but one suggested we sleepover in another friend's house since it's already too late. With not much deliberation, most agreed and the next thing I know, we were already playing Killer in one of my friend's top floor. After resuming the games and kwentuhan and with the fatigue of the day kicking in, the girls decided to slumber while the males stayed up all morning, including the balikbayan.

At around 9 in the morning, we de, I immediately raped my bed after going home.

After going to church at 6pm, I thought it would be an uneventful night. I got a BBM  asking where I was, though. As expected, my other set of friends planned an inuman session nearby. And so I went with my mom leaving me with the question, "na naman?"

And there it was, how merry an event I am not part of has been. :)

IwanttoblogbutIdonotknowwhattowriteabout. :(((

Am I not deranged that I relish moments of grief and melancholy?

I Don't Miss You Anymore, I Miss the Feeling tho

Ugh. With a Smile played in MYX and all the memories of you singing it flashbacked like crazy. I don't miss you anymore but it came to me that I long how I felt for you. I miss the feeling of having to smile everytime your scent began to satisfy my olfactories, or just the sight of you with that little imperfection in your face, or resisting myself from sleeping for those late night chats. Even though I'm pretty sure you won't be making me feel this way anymore, I hope there's someone out there who'd be willing to.

Of KJ Profs

I don't get professors ruining students' rather quick time for a breather! Why can't you let us enjoy the Christmas break without you requiring us to do a 10-page book review due the first day of class for the next year at the same time when we are scheduled to have a quiz?!?! You've likewise been students and it is not to my understanding how he can obligate us when he knows this time of the year is much-awaited by the students, after months and months of endless academic duties. Ugh.

Pre-Xmas

Fridays getting lonelier. I need a love life! And fast!

Char.

Sad Day

Sometimes you still get hurt even after you envisaged things to happen. Or maybe it's just me, too sensitive that no "expect the unexpected" can soften the blow.

I Came Close to Reading It

I was wandering around Thought Catalog when I chanced upon We Came Close to Being Something. The first line reads I like you. It continues with And then the other day you told me you like me too. I stopped. I like you, but I'm not certain if tomorrow, next month, or next year, you'll ever feel the same. :(

On Standing Up

I just made one of the biggest decisions in my college life. I will be running for office next student council elections.

Last Tuesday, a member from one of the major parties in the college invited me for a meeting. I had no idea it was about the invitation for running in the next election. I was caught off guard so my initial answer was No. Office has never crossed my mind ever since entering college. I'm also heading another nonpartisan organization that's why there might be a clash of conflict in the future. And I hate speaking in public! She gave me time to think about the offer but I said there's only a 20% chance I'd run.

But then when I was on my way home, I considered all the pros and cons of actually accepting the invite. I even asked permission from my parent and my other org's co-officers and they were fine with it even though I'm still not decided about the matter. So I asked Papa God for a sign and He gave me a full moon. Haha

I dont know what really happened but before I knew it, I already messaged her my decision.

Brokesale

I felt like I've used a week-long worth of energy earlier. The early part of the day was like my any usual morning. Around two hours of travel and more than 5 for my classes. Come late afternoon, I decided to go with my friends at this booksale (up to 80%) somewhere in Q Ave. It was my first time to go to something like that, I love books but I don't partake in booksale events. Arriving at the venue, all I advised myself was, "Suck it up, kid." The crowd is overwhelming. I was welcomed by the incredibly long queues leading to only few cashiers. It wasn't just a booksale, there were other school supplies, apparels, christmas decorations. The books were in rumble, on the floor, weren't arranged in any order (a self-help book alongside a sexy magazine, I meanr, really?). In the end, I searched for 2 hours, fell in line for an hour, and only took home 2 books. One Irving for P30, but the bad part is, the other read is the fifth book of a series, meaning I still had to buy the first ones!

Haha, I'm so tired right noooooow. Have to sleep na. Good night!

Betrayed by Loneliness

I'm wondering whether loneliness is really at my side. It's what I actually long for in my everyday long travels,  during nighttime when there's not one thing to do, almost always when the noise of the city is already too much for me to consume; a habit I've been accustomed to even before I've had my likening to reading and eating. But then the past few years have been cruel to me. It has forced unto me the harshness of singlehood. Well maybe harshness is too strong a word, but you get what I mean.

It's fun talking to myself, really, but sometimes the topic of my haplessness is overmuch for the one I'm having a conversation with to bear. It's also rather nice to have the bed for myself, but I found out about spooning and I kinda wanna try it, haha. I'm likewise used to not having to check my phone everytime for an important message, but boy I bet Good morning and I love you texts will make me kilig. And how nice it would be if someone holds my hand during a walk in the beach, or a peck of affection in the dark corners of the moviehouse *teehee*.

Still love the solitary, though! Biglang bawi?

Narrow-Momded

Haaay, my mom is so narrow-minded. I don't think there's anything wrong with questioning your religion. It's not even the religion I'm questioning about, it's those administering it and what they do that I'm having inquiries about. It's like the difference between what is planned and what is implemented, right?

Finally Something to be Glad About

 

Funny I told myself during the middle of the sem when things started to look blurry for my academics that I'll let go of it and just redeem myself the following semester. I was rather surprised thought when the grades came out and it turns out this was actually one of my best semesters basing it from my general weighted average. Yey, college scholar again! :>

Pre-dawn

I lust for that period of the day just after midnight. When it's just me and my sadness.

Of Being Unpretty and Worthless

I'm sad.
There's not one day when I hadn't wished I were someone else. Worse, I used to hate having to wake up every single day just to appease the routine of everyday life my suffering body has been accustomed to. You see, it's not easy being like me.
As much as possible, I try to stay away from the mirror, avoiding having to catch a glimpse of myself, and having to start another pity party again. If the things included in my prayer were to be arranged in order of priority, being pretty or handsome or hunk-ish would surely be on the top of my list. When I lie in bed after a long day of having to keep up with the miserable social constructions, all the beautiful faces and bodies the television and the internet have bombarded me with flashbacks; and the reverie begins, if I were him I could have been in the arms of someone right now. If I were that gorgeous hunk on the trash channel, I would be enjoying the attention of people right now. If I were much better looking, I wouldn't have to waste fucking minutes struggling to know which clothes I will be less ugly at. If I were someone else, I would be happy.
I'm also not good at anything, like really. I'm too unathletic for sports, it was table tennis in the 4th grade when I was officially playing a sport. I'm an average student barely having grades I could be proud of. My singing is angelic for the sink, the basin, the shampoo, the soap, and the toilet bowl. God knows how they laughed at the last time I danced. When I was much younger, I was made to believe I'm an intelligent kid. Well, that's true, because nobody fucking cares if you're a valedictorian when you're only in pre-school and kindergarten. Haha. Funny it carried through until today. So for the last years, I've also attempted to enhance my non-physical aspects. I've used considerable hours putting my hands on books, reading blogs and articles in the hope of being good even in one thing: writing. But maybe the universe, the society, and I don't-know-who conspired to keep me away from it.

Hahaha. Wuizthispost?

Sembreak Update

Yeheeeey. That's the joy of having had my much needed break from acads. It commenced last Friday and I'd like to think I'm making the most out of it.
Last week, I hang out with some friends; we drank and drank until they got drunk. Wahaha. Now I'm having my Modern Family marathon, I just finished The Wizard of Oz, both the book and the film,currently reading Book 5 of The Mortal Instruments, will have a horror movie fest later, and prolly start Downtown Abbey tomorrow.
Cheers to sembreak! :)

One of my most favorite posts from someone on Tumbler. From Sir Kris. Just wanna share it to the people of Blogger. :)

I long for that guy
who can make me put my pen down. He will turn off the monitor when I start typing away just to annoy me, sit on my lap, kiss me, while I continue tapping the keyboard blindly. I will probably go on a very long hiatus, long enough for everyone to forget my existence. But I won’t care. Some will try to find me, attempting to see if I am writing elsewhere, but I am not. The time they spend finding my whereabouts I spend out in the park, walking or doing the groceries with him. Then I will never have to write again, and he asks “Why are you no longer writing?” as he hands me a hot cup of coffee, urging me to write. I can’t answer this, of course. It’s too difficult to admit that I can only write about sadness, and too mushy to tell it’s all because of him. So I sip from the cup, and evade the question by smiling and complimenting the coffee. He smiles back and hugs me from behind, then I no longer need to have and hold a pen again.

Gray

                                                  All over,
                                                I am shades
                                              of  gray.  I am
                                              ash, the hue of
                                                death.  I am
                                                      the
                                                      ab-
                                           sence of vigor and
                                        zest. I am neutrality, I
                                     take both sides, I take no
                                  sides.     I am neither      white
                                nor           black.  I am         less
                              than           gold,    duller          than
                             co-             balt.    I fade,           I wi-
                                              ther. I am dis-
                                             colored.    I am
                                            washed-out. I am
                                           as firm      as steel,
                                           as fee-         ble as
                                           age. I           am the
                                          the in-            sipid,
                                         sound,            & safe.                                         
                                         I am                 risk-
                                    less. I am              certain. I'm
                                 everything.                 I'm nothing.

I am the pavement you walk on, I am the cosmos you stare at. At the lightest, you will run into me. At the utmost, you will live by me. I am gray, I am every shade of it.

Counterfeit

It’s when the smile solaces your ails,

when in truth, it curves for your laments and your wails


It’s when the sight regales your spirit,

when in reality, it thirsts for a portion of your guilt


It’s when the words play finely to your ears,

when actually, they long to see the rushing of your tears


It’s when the touch carresses the skin,

when indeed, it digs your actuality and scratches it keen


It’s when the company assures you of tomorrow and permanence,

when in actuality, it shuts out every chance of your subsistence


It’s when the very being partakes in your breath’s reel,

when truly, it attempts to shoot an arrow at your heel


It’s when I do,

when I really don’t.




Because I know trickery



inside out.

A Farewell

I:

Were those flowers I caught sight of

Wilting, bowing to the ever shimmering sun?

Creases surfacing on its once shiny cutis,

One by one, petals kissing the ground

.

Was that a sword I heard

Slowly being drawn from its sheath?

Breaking its fealty with lethargy,

A clank, a castback, a swing

.

Were those waves I touched

Drifting away from the sandy plain?

Ripples assembling in the vast mellow,

The shores, one, two, and gone

.

You:

No. I said… goodbye.

Longing

In my silence,

I heard you.

When will the outcries of the world

slip away from existence,

Just so I can listen to you.

In my dreams,

I felt you.

When will I ever learn

to deceive waking up,

Just so I can touch you.

Of Labels

Labels are futile social constructions. In a world where things overlap like a hundred circles in a Venn diagram, branding does not seem to make sense. Single, in a relationship, homosexual, hetero, top, bottom, why care? As long as you’re happy, you don’t need to mind.

You Should Not Date a Communication Researcher

You should not date a communication researcher.

He is hard-to-get. He thinks he is special because he knows there are only a few like him. True enough, he might even be the first communication researcher you’ve met.

Winning an argument over him is like a snowball’s chance in hell. He will make the most out of his expertise in theories. He has every reason in the world! He will throw incomprehensible -isms to you like they’re just lucid justifications. You would wish you didn’t even start to engage in the bicker.

He is a perfectionist. His hobby is revision, especially if things do not go his way. He will tell you to retire smoking and drinking, he will ask you to walk faster, he will shut you up. Worse, he can scrap a relationship as easy as disposing papers he’s not content with.

He won’t have time for you. You couldn’t blame him; it’s the nature of what he does. If you’re unfortunate, you would chance upon someone who’s on theory grounding. He will literally have to remind himself of your dates through post-its and mobile phone reminders.

He has trust issues. Validity and reliability is of utmost significance to him. He has an internal code book where he can construe even the slightest flick of your finger. So be wary of your actions.

Most of all, he is boring. He will talk about theories, variables, and measures nonstop. He will acquaint you with Focault and Barthes and Althusser. His room does not have framed paintings or photographs but is a library of scholarly journals and photocopied researches. His laptop is filled not with music and videos but gathered data and more academic writings. He will exhaust you of dullness!

Do not date a communication researcher.

Still, a communication researcher loves beyond compare. He does. And no qualitative or quantitative approach can measure the affection he devotes.

Choosy

Because it’s not always what they call writer’s block. Sometimes it’s the stories themselves that elude you. Deeming others as more worthy of their fosterage. Having long learned to refrain from committing the blunders of their ascendants. Thinking they are better off with a finer weaver of words.

Signal Warning

Because you are the cold that sent tingles up my spine, the lightning strikes that kept me up at night, the dampness that made me uneasy yet always wanting, the thunder claps that woke me up from my reverie, the winds that shied away the remnants of my yesterdays,


and the raindrops that made it all real.

19

A year ago, I ranted over how rudderless my life has been. I’m turning 19 a few minutes from now and some things, sadly for me, have not changed. I am still a tumbleweed being tossed and driven by the ever sadistic winds. I know, I know. Still too young to go through a quarter-life crisis (if that’s what you call this).

My family is functional. Several sets of friends stay by my side. Wealth and health has never been an issue to me. I was lucky enough to be in my dream university. I just have one enemy. Only one being hates me. In short, all is well.

But there’s just something that has kept and still keeps me from being completely happy. The truth is, I don’t understand. I laugh a lot, I know I make a lot of people happy, and as I’ve said, my conscience is clear from having hurt other people, but a part of me is still wistful. Longing for something. Or someone.

Haaay, for now, I’ll just wish my self an advanced happy birthday. And I promise, 19-year old self, that now will be the last year you’ll feel that way. That before I step into the 20-year mark, I’ll be completely happy and content and kickin! Sana din magaling ka na magsulat pagdating nu’n! :)

My Cold Weather Playlist

“It’s been a long night in New York City, it’s been a long night in Baton Rouge, I don’t remember you looking any better.”


“And if you want love, swim in a deep sea, take all your big plans, this is bound to be a while “


“Half of my heart’s got a grip on the situation, half of my heart takes time, half of my heart’s got a right mind to tell you that I can’t keep loving you.”


“Clouds of sulfur in the air, bombs are falling everywhere, it’s heartbreak warfare.”


“And out of all these things I’ve done, I think I love you better now.”


“Something in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself, makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms.”


“You whisper “come on over” ‘cause you’re two drinks in, but in the morning, I will say goodbye again, think we’ll never fall into the jealous game?”


“But you didn’t have to cut me off, make it like it never happened and that we were nothing.”


“Nothing to do, nowhere to be, a simple little kind of free, nothing to do, no one but me, and that’s all I need.”


“Don’t say a word, just come over and lie here with me, ‘cause I’m just about to set fire to everything I see.”


“You want to stay with me in the morning, you only hold me when I sleep, I was meant to tread the water, now I’ve gotten in too deep “


“You don’t know me, and you don’t even care, and you said, you don’t know me, and you don’t wear my chains.”

Random Thought After an All-Nighter

So here’s the soporific version of the drunk post.

It’s really a small small world. I chanced upon here in Tumblr a guy from the university, from the same college, who is also a body-mate. And I backread his posts and found out he’s in a relationship with Y, but then I should have used “used to be” ‘cos they’re not together now but I just found out about it a little earlier that’s why I did not. Well, I didn’t have a clue they were partners inasmuch as I haven’t seen them together even once. But then If I’ve seen them together, it wouldn’t make a difference because not all pairs you see are couples. But you see, couples have this aura that shouts they are in a relationship. So if I’ve seen them together, maybe I would not have been as dumbfounded as I was minutes ago. But then again, if I haven’t been surprised then this post would be non-existent. So thank God, it’s a small small world.

Haha, whatever. I just wanna sleep right now. But I shouldn’t. :<

Journotlism

Supposed to be my first journalistic piece. But my professor just murdered it with corrections. Why do you not love me, Journ?

Pouring Down

I woke up to someone placing a pillow under my head which was leaning against the car window. It was Dad, attempting to make me feel comfortable knowing the inherently uneasy feel of both my position and the slumbering inside a moving vehicle itself. It was of no use, though, for my somnolence subsided after the sight of one of the few things I find beauty in: raindrops.

In the Meadow

There you were, sitting indian style on the heart of the seemingly boundless meadow.

As I drew nearer, you closed the book positioned on your lap.

“Sensed me?”, my mind asked, but I continued approaching.

I stiffened the moment you turned your head towards me. I noticed the all-familiar curve appearing upon your face, the smile I’ve fallen in love with. So I forced mine.

You nodded at me to draw closer. I did.

As I sat down, I was able to get a whiff of the winds, which smelled of your perfume, “You still have not changed.”

“While you still have not forgotten,” you retorted.

We looked at each other, grinned, and sent out a laugh.

And then the atmosphere grew pensive again. Before I knew it, you were already holding my hand.

It was magic. The scene was picturesque, just like in the movies. Two lovers holding each other’s hand, alone in the heart of the universe.

The gentle winds blowed.

The sky turned red as the sun prepared to set.

The Slogger

While the whole nation was busy commemorating the aluminum death anniversary of Ninoy Aquino, the clan was celebrating his first natal day. If they had known then that he’ll be causing them a good deal, they would have taken part in the former instead.

After eighteen monotonous years, he attempted making sense of life and looking for the direction he so long sought for. Failing after a little less than a thousand tries, he put up with just going with the flow since the universe won’t grant him anything, anyway.

Along with his personality, his confidence got lost in the woods and are yet to find their way back home. He settles for decent and mediocre as frequent as he complains about mankind. He owes his sanity to friends, pessimism, the university, and another set of friends.

Status

To start this off, the current love of my life.